Why we don't let go ... even when we should
I was fortunate enough to spend a large portion of my childhood living in Santa Cruz (dude!) While I never learned to surf, I did have a skateboard. And a dog. She was a big Lab / German Shepherd / Husky mix that I’d oh-so-uncreatively named “Buppy” (the name my uncle had given his dog when he was a kid). Buppy was a high energy dog who loved to run. It didn’t take long for me to realize that dog + leash + skateboard = speedy fun. For a time, I could regularly be found being pulled up and down our cul-de-sac.
Then, one day, a cat got involved.
Us humans, for all our brilliance, can be rather, uh, irrational creatures. We don’t always make the choices that are logical or good, even when we’re aware that they’re the better choice. (Check out the book Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely for more on this.)
This isn’t just because we’re ‘irrational’, though, it’s a little more complicated. Our brains have wiring in them that, while well-intentioned, can be, uh, problematic in the modern world. The emotional brain may not always be rational, and it's rarely looking beyond right now, but it’s very, very powerful, which can be a big problem.
Two related things you should know::
- We are wired to fear loss, so we over-value what we have.
- We are drawn to what’s familiar, and will often choose familiar over new, even if that produces a poorer result.
The result? Sometimes we hold on to things when it doesn’t make any rational sense to do so.
So, back to the cat. Buppy liked cats. Liked chasing them, that is. One day, as she was pulling me down the street, she saw a cat on the sidewalk and decided to give chase. Before I knew it, my skateboard and I were going at a speed that was well beyond my comfort zone and on a trajectory that was going to end with me crashing into the curb in short order.
What was the foremost thought in my brain? Don’t let go of the leash. Why? Well, I was worried about Buppy catching the cat, ending up in a neighbor’s back yard while in pursuit of the cat (she was quite capable of jumping fences), or just running off and getting lost. So, what did I do? I jumped off the skateboard while still holding onto the leash.
I'll take a moment to thank my mom for insisting I wear knee pads, because they were there to cushion my fall and provide some protection as I proceeded to get dragged another 10 feet or so after hitting the ground. Amazingly, I didn’t sustain any injury (except to my pride). But, that was the last time I ever had her pull me on the skateboard.
That's humans, though. We often don't let go, even when it would be the better choice. It may be a leash, it may be an unhealthy habit, it may be a relationship, it may be a job. Here's the thing: it’s not because we don’t have enough data or see what we’re doing, either It’s because our emotional brain is over-focused on hypothetical negative outcomes and losses and it's writing horror stories about what it 'knows will happen'.
If you’re trying to move someone from this place, you can’t overwhelm them with data to try and persuade them. It won’t help. In fact, it’ll likely make things worse.
But, when we're able to broaden our perspective, things can shift. Sometimes, we have two difficult choices, and in those cases, it's important to zoom out and get perspective, especially with regards to time. How will the actions you take now affect you, not just today, but in 5, 10, or 20 years? It's not a magic pill to create change, but it can be a great nudge to help you get started.
