3 Reasons being 'too nice' is bad for your relationship

First, a definition: If you consistently sacrifice your own needs and wants for those of others due to concerns about conflict or disapproval, you may qualify as 'too nice’. Sure, going along with what your partner wants is a way of being supportive and loving, and you should definitely do it sometimes. However, when it happens too often, or you start sacrificing your values or identity, it becomes problematic in your relationship.

The most obvious problems with being ’too nice’ are the resentment and loss of identity that are an inevitable byproduct of it. But, there's more (and not in a 'you also get this cool bonus!' way...) There are 3 ways that being 'too nice' is bad for your relationship that many people don't realize.

1) Being 'too nice' puts added pressure on your partner

Sometimes when I’m talking to a group, I’ll ask this question: "who here likes conflict?" It’s rare that anybody raises their hand. While there are some people who see the value and benefit that comes from conflict, virtually nobody actually likes it. (This turns out to be the case even for people who argue for a living: a couple of the most conflict-avoidant clients I’ve ever had were attorneys!)

As comfort-seeking creatures, it’s hardly surprising that humans would avoid conflict - especially in our primary relationship, the place where we’re the most emotionally sensitive. Keeping your thoughts, opinions, and ideas out of the way so that they don’t bump up against your partner’s certainly will limit your conflict, at least in the short term. 

However, the problem with that approach is that you end up creating an imbalance by not doing your part to carry the ‘choice responsibility' in the relationship. Choosing takes energy, and if you’re the one having to make most of the choices for a relationship, that ends up becoming a lot of pressure. Over time, any system with an imbalance like that is going to have problems. In this case, it’s likely to be an increased sense of resentment on your partner’s part, as well as a decreased willingness to take the lead. What happens then? 

2) If you're 'too nice', you deprive your relationship of the creative energy it needs to keep from stagnating.

Everyone has ideas, ranging from practical to wild and crazy. Bringing those ideas into a relationship is an important part of keeping it fun, exciting, and fresh. People who are ‘too nice’ often avoid putting their ideas into the relational space due to fear of rejection, judgement, or belief that it’s selfish or controlling. When the relationship is deprived of that creative energy it slowly starves over time, becoming stagnant, dull & lifeless. 

It also leads to disconnection. When we hide and reshape ourselves to avoid conflict and rejection, we end up becoming bland, like vanilla ice cream. It’s not offensive to anyone … but it’s pretty forgettable. While being more genuine and vulnerable puts us at risk of rejection, it’s also the only way we can make real connection.

The result of this is a relationship that’s dull and disconnected, which is a breeding ground for affairs and other major relationship challenges. Not good.

3) Being 'too nice’ causes a loss of trust
Nice person’s partner: “What’s wrong? You seem upset."
Nice person: “No, everything’s fine.” 

Nice person’s truth: I'm upset, but I’m not going to say anything, because I don’t like conflict, and I’m not good at standing up for myself, so we’ll just have a fight and I’ll lose, so why bother?

This is a ticking time bomb. At some point, that withheld problem turns into resentment that festers and eventually boils over into a fight. Then, it becomes clear that the nice person wasn’t being honest. Repeat this exchange enough times, and a trust problem evolves. Once you start to lose trust in your partner, your relationship becomes a very uncomfortable and unstable place.

If you’re too nice, the solution is to take a more assertive role in your relationship. Yes, that means being willing to face conflict. Will that be uncomfortable? Of course. Will it be more uncomfortable than the idea of your relationship continuing on the path it’ll travel otherwise? I doubt it.

If your partner is too nice, the solution is to encourage and support them in being more expressive. Ask them what they think, listen carefully when they do open up and share. If you disagree, make a point to do so respectfully and gently. 

For both of you: create a system for your decision making that requires equal participation. Here’s an example: say you go out to dinner together every Friday night. Take turns picking the restaurant. Whoever’s turn it is can’t get input from the other partner, who has to go along with whatever the choice is. You can take this general approach to a lot of decisions; many couples I’ve worked with have found it to be very helpful and freeing as they work to develop a more balanced relationship.

Keep moving forward.